The Prophet Muhammad ﷺ asserted:
“Nikah is my Sunnah (way), whosoever turns away from my Sunnah is not from me”.
Allah Almighty states in the Quran,
“And of His signs is that He created for you from yourselves mates that you may find tranquility in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.”
So, if you are interested in a girl and practice Islamic ways as well, the first question that may pop up in your mind would be, How to propose a girl in an Islamic way? I.e. not going beyond the limits and discontent your Creator.
Mostly, when it comes to marriage, people just jump onto the concept that marriage is just about committing one’s self financially and physically. Marriage isn’t just about monetary and physical fidelity; it should be guaranteed that both persons are prepared to accommodate the emotional and psychological necessities of one another. This is not a simple task.
So, under this question, we will address the recommended way of the proposal as per Islamic teachings, cast light on the issues like lovemaking before marriage, Islamic ways of lovemaking, and its etiquettes along with Ahadees addressing such issues.
What is Marriage Proposal Supposed to be?
In the first place, you should make a reference about the matter to your own family. Regardless of whether you think they will like her and support the relationship, the main purpose is to get them included. In case they are not Muslim and they anticipate that you should deal on your own with your relations, then that makes their contribution less significant.
On the off chance that you don’t have any slight idea about the lady’s family, you can politely move toward the lady and tell her of your longing to request her family to marry her. It relies upon a lady’s way of life and schooling how she will react to being approached. Assuming the lady says she isn’t interested, you need to leave it on the spot.
Sayyiduna Abu Hurairah (radiyallahu’anhu) narrates that Prophet Muhammad ﷺ
“If someone proposes whose religion (piety) and character is pleasing then get him married. If you do not do so, there will be chaos on the earth.”
_ Tirmidhi, hadith: 1085
But in the event that she tells about you to her family yet they won’t meet you, at that point you need to discover the cause of such behavior. On the off chance, the explanation is something that can be changed (possibly they anticipate that you should have some work), at that point, you need to stand by persistently, work on their expectation and attempt again later on.
If there is a positive response from the family of the young lady, you or her family can orchestrate a meeting with her to know and define the expectations from one another. Such a meeting would take place in presence of one Mahram of the young lady. Mahram is the person whom a Muslim woman is not allowed to marry, like, the father, grandfather, brother, son, and so on.
The Prophet (SAW) advised an engaged companion,
“Go and look at her, for that is more likely to increase love between you two.”
_ (Tirmidhi 1087).
Talk to one another about the things that are important to both of you most. There might be seemingly insignificant details that you may differ with. However, issues like whether you need her to work after marriage, regardless of whether you need to live with your folks, your profound objectives, your assumptions, and so forth is ought to be discussed during the engagement proposition stage. When the young lady and family agree, the mahr, wedding expenditures, and dates should be settled upon.
Islamic Principles Related to Love Making Before Marriage Proposal
Love-making before marriage is a transgression punishable by the Islamic court. If a man and woman are found guilty of physical relations outside marriage, they will be punished as described in Holy Quran:
“ The woman and the man who fornicate scourge each of them a hundred whips; and in the matter of God s religion, let no tenderness for them seize you if you believe in God and the Last Day; and let a party of the believers witness their punishment.”
_ (24:2)
Keeping in mind the commands of The Lord, What you must not do is attempt to begin a romantic connection with her that is hidden from her family. Islam isn’t against your happiness, however, it wants your relationship to be led in such a way that will work out for everybody in the long haul, instead of enjoying a short time gaud following by years of broken heart and disappointment. Regardless of whether she appears to be keen on such a relationship and needs to stay in touch, you should keep things formal. It can be exceptionally hard to act with strict self-restraint when you emphatically want to be with somebody and particularly when they also want to be with you. However, this is the pleasant and acculturated approach to carry on, and it is organized in this way for your benefit and her good, so you both can stay pious and get married with the blessing and consent of both of your families.
Allah says in Quran:
“Do not go near adultery, surely it is an indecency, and an evil way [of fulfilling sexual urge].”
_ (17:32)
Instead, The Creator has appreciated a man and woman who tie a knot and become oneself with one respect and one identity, a relation in which both partners strive to protect one another’s dignity and carve grace into the relation. Lord asserted in Holy Quran:
“They are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.”
_ (2:187)
Love Making and its Etiquettes in Islam:
Islam is a religion of Love and it promotes all the desirable ways to buff it. Only those ways are forbidden that can be frowned upon (as described above). Once the couple is tied in the Halal relation, all doors to the intimate acts are opened as they act as a plaster on the wall that has solidarity, care, loyalty, soft-heartedness, dutifulness, and trust, as its building blocks.
It is desirable for the couple to offer 2 rakaat nafil together on their wedding night. It has been prescribed by predecessors of Muslims, as in the accompanying 2 narrations:
First: Abu Sa’eed Mawla Abu Asyad (R.A) who said:
“I got married while I was a slave. I invited a number of the companions of the Prophet ﷺ, among them was Ibn Mas’ood, Abu Dharr, and Hudhaifa. When the prayer was called, Abu Dharr began to step forward when the others said to him: ‘No!’ He said: ‘Is it so?’ And they said: ‘Yes.’ Then, I stepped forward and led the prayer though I was a slave possessed. They taught me, saying: ‘When your wife comes to you, pray 2 rakaat. Then, ask Allah Almighty for the good of that which has come to you, and seek refuge in Him from its evil. Then it is up to you and it is up to your wife.’”
_ [Ibn Abi Shaibah and ‘Abdur-Razzaaq]
Second: Shaqeeq (R.A) said:
“A man named Abu Hareez came and said: ‘I have married a young girl, and I am afraid that she will despise me.’ ‘Abdullah ibn Mas’ood said to him: “Verily, closeness is from Allah, and hatred is from Satan, who wishes to make despicable that which Allaah has allowed. So, when your wife comes to you, tell her to pray behind you 2 rakaat.”
In another version of the same story, “Abdullah went on to say: ‘And say: ‘O Allah give Your blessings on me in my wife, and to her in me. O Allah join us together as long as You join us in good, and split us apart if You send to us that which is better.”
_ [Ibn Abi Shaibah and at-Tabaraani and ‘Abdur-Razzaaq: Saheeh]
Ways to Come to Her For Marriage Proposal
It is allowed for a Muslim man to enter his wife the way he finds comfortable.
While discussing this Allah Almighty asserted in Holy Quran:
“Your wives are a tilth unto you; so approach your tilth when or how ye will”
_ [Al-Quran: al-Baqarah 2:223]
However, it is forbidden to enter from the ways that are not a planting ground (it refers to a place where something might grow).
Holy Prophet Muhammad ﷺ said;
“Allah does not look at one who comes to his wife in her anal pore”.
_ [an-Nasaa’ee: Hasan isnaad and supported in “al-‘Ishrah”; at-Tirmizi and Ibn Hibbaan].
When a Muslim man has come to his wife in a legal manner and then desires to return once again, he should first do ablution, based on the statement of Prophet Muhammad ﷺ:
“When one of you comes to his wife and then wishes to return another time, let him perform wudhuu’ between the 2 times (In another version, the same wudhuu’ which he performs for prayer) for verily, it will invigorate his return.”
_ [Muslim, Ibn Abi Shaibah and others].
After returning it is preferable for the couple to bathe.
“O you who have believed, do not approach prayer while you are in a state of drowsiness until you know what you are saying or in a state of janabah, except those passing through [a place of prayer], until you have washed [your whole body]. And if you are ill or on a journey or one of you comes from the place of relieving himself or you have contacted women and find no water, then seek clean earth and wipe over your faces and your hands [with it]. Indeed, Allah is ever Pardoning and Forgiving.”
_ (4:43)